“All My Life I’ve Had To Fight”

If you have found that you are one of the many people in this world, not only touched and moved, but picked up and relocated by that quote. If you hear it and you jump up and damn near speak in tongues because those words strung together into that sentence ignites a fire inside of you. If you know exactly what it means to fight for all of your life, then what do you do when you no longer have to fight anymore? What do you do with the fight inside your mind, heart, and body when you are presented with a lifestyle that allows you to relax? What do we do if our environment is more welcoming, loving, and enjoyable, but we are so used to fighting and struggling?

Personally, I find that I still have the mindset of a fighter. When someone offers a helping hand, I smack it away in a “ain’t nobody looking for handouts” fashion. After all, I have made it this far with little to no help in many areas of my life, so I can make it further by myself. This is where the damage from my past shows. This is not healthy y’all. My weakness is implanted in the decision to remain on my own, when I could have an army on my side. Then, I sit alone at night wishing someone was there to help me because I am feeling overwhelmed. Well, you could have had 5 or 6 somebodies to help you if you didn’t turn them all away! Then, I beat myself down some more for not accepting the help I so desperately needed.

This is a cycle. This is a very dangerous, vicious whirlwind I get so caught up in. It is so hard to fight my way out, but I must. If you find that you are like me, then you must too. You need to understand that there are so many people out in the world that would be more than willing to help you. There are people out here that would hold your hand and lead you to victory just because they love you. Some would help you to hold your head high when you are feeling down. Some are willing to push you further than you ever dreamed you could go. The truly sad part is that sometimes we don’t even notice that we are offered help. Sometimes saying no is habitual and you are declining an offer before the words even leave the person’s tongue. Now don’t get me wrong, there are obviously individuals out there that are not looking out for your best interests. You should be aware, but don’t always be on such high alert that you pass up on great opportunities, loves, and friendships. Be willing to accept the help that you are offered.

Accepting help is not a sign of weakness. I think accepting help shows great strength, probably mostly because I struggle with it so much. They want to do this for you and it is perfectly fine for you to say yes. You are not taking advantage of them. You are not showing weakness. You are not a bother and helping you is not a hassle.  You are actually a remarkable person that deserves to be helped. You are someone others look forward to showering with care and affection.

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Greener Grass

You change me. You make me think of tomorrow and next week. You make me dream of next month and next year. But it hurts. It hurts to dream a dream when I don’t believe it will ever come true. It hurts to desire so intensely, but not fathom I can ever possess. You give me life and I don’t know what to do with it. When you’re in my life, I trust and wish. I take risks and accomplish goals. You build me up in a way I’ve never experienced. You show me things I have never expected. You make me feel emotions I had no idea existed. When you’re here, I feel joy. It sounds great, but the sad part is that when you are not around I remember the downside to that joy. I remember that what goes up must come down. I remember that I can’t always be happy. I remember that there has to be darkness for the light to shine through. Without one, the other gets overlooked and unappreciated. I want you to be my joy. I want you to be my light and my life. I really do… but I am so terrified of the darkness that often I just choose not to live.

New Window, Same Place

Have you seen a movie where something is weighing heavy on the actor/actress’s mind? He doesn’t know if he should marry the woman of his dreams. She don’t understand how someone she loves can hurt her so badly. A child is being taken away from the only home he has ever known. These people, of course not in all cases, but in most cases, always seem to have a window nearby to look out of for dramatic effect. This makes me think of my own life.

I have so many memories of gazing out of a window or standing on the balcony or patio to think about life and choices that need to be made. Somehow, looking out of the window, even when staring at the business of a city or just the other half of an apartment building seems to help me lose my place in that present moment to a mindset where I can reflect and contemplate. But my question (to myself really) is why do I have so many memories of doing the same thing? Does looking out of a window reflect me at my deepest level of contemplation?

I do not know if it is truly my deepest level, but I do believe that this scenario represents something powerful and fulfilling for me. I am the person in the movies. I need that moment for clarity. Though at the present I am afraid that I am looking out of a new window, but finding myself in the same place. Should I gaze farther? Longer? Not at all? I think gazing out of the window I find my truest answer, but when I reawaken from this state of reflection I make choices that do not align with my deeper self. Now I am left in this same place gazing out of a new window. So to better myself and my life, I know that I must allow my conscious self to grow and make wiser choices. The question now is, am I brave enough?

Today

Today I am happy.

I don’t know how that sentence resonates with you. Maybe you’ve been happy for awhile now and you want to welcome me to “the other side.” Maybe you have been unhappy for awhile and you want to know how to get there. Maybe you don’t know how you feel and you want to know if what you are feeling is happiness. And of course, it could be none of those options…

I have been all of those people, but for the longest I have been that last one. There are moments when I feel happy and moments when I question whether or not I can make it through the rest of the day. Some days I want to go to bed by 5, so that I can restart the clock and have another chance at happiness. Then, by 6, I am wishing the day never ends. I think that’s normal, but for me it didn’t feel that way. I felt alone in my thoughts and feelings. I felt overwhelmed and abandoned… but not today.

Today I feel happy. Now, I am not looking for gold at the end of the rainbow or running down the street inviting everyone to join me for an impromptu dance session, but what I feel in my heart is peace. My mind is at ease. I long for next day all while enjoying the present and “smelling the roses.” I have so much to look forward to and so much to appreciate at this very moment. My life is fulfilling. I am satisfying life and life is providing me with a breathtaking sense of satisfaction. I want to live in this moment forever. I know I can’t carry this moment forever, but I can bask in it, repeatedly whispering my best friend’s advice, “Just remember the feeling and how you got there.”

 

Gone

There it goes… just out of reach once again. Once again, she had all she needed. She had full control. There was nothing anyone could say or do to knock her off her game… or so she thought.

She didn’t realize how fluid the motions had become. She didn’t care to acknowledge how effortless everything seemed. She got comfortable. While there is nothing wrong with comfort, there comes a point where comfort becomes complacency and that is the danger. She didn’t recognize the error in her ways because she didn’t even realize there was room for error.

Everything seemed amazingly good, so she didn’t notice when amazingly good became just good enough. She thought she had control and by the time she realized she had dropped the ball it was too late. The ball. The game. The opportunity… was gone.

Find the Time or Make the Time

Short and sweet…..

In life we either find the time or make the time. You may have to move something around to find the time to do the things you want. Evaluate your day and you may see 2 minutes here or 5 minutes there where you aren’t really doing something worthwhile. Then sometimes you have to realize that everything you are devoting your time and energy to is not worth it. You’re devoting 30 minutes of your life doing something that isn’t beneficial to you in no way except as a time filler. That’s when you delete that activity out of your life and make time for something new. Make the time or find the time for something bigger and better and you’ll thank yourself for it in the future.

You (Him)

He will never be you. Nor will he, he, or him. No one can match your presence. No one fills my heart with pure love, joy, and ecstasy like you do. There is not another soul that mine yearns for quite like mine does for yours. You are what I dream for. Your love is what I need. Your body, mind, and soul are my deepest, darkest desires. Fill my lungs with your breath of life.

Life full of laughter, pride, peace, and all that I could ever embrace in its truest form. Allow me to cry tears of joy and anguish in the pain of side-hurting laughter that just lasts for days and days. You please me in ways I never knew I needed to be pleased. You make me feel emotions I never thought I would want to feel. There are ways to experience life, but you…

You take my experiences to another dimension. A level that can only be seen from satellite footage at NASA’s Headquarters. To call you my moon is not nearly enough because you shine brighter than any star I have ever seen. Your effect on my world is more impactful than the Big Bang Theory. You don’t just give me life. You are my life. You are the first thought when I awake in the morning. You are the constant flow of oxygen through my bloodstream. You are that book I cannot put down at the end of the day or that show I am binge watching on Netflix. Every chapter, every scene just leaves me hungry for more. Your love is more addictive than chocolate and the high I get from you elevates me higher than Mt. Everest. You flow through me deeper than the Grand Canyon and longer than the Nile. You aren’t my Kryptonite because you build me up and make me stronger than Superman could ever become.

What you give me leaves me begging for more, but I don’t even know what to ask for. More you? More me? More us? Just sign me up for a little more of everything because if you walk out of my life, I am sure even the Navy Seals could not find my soul to return to me once more.