Greener Grass

You change me. You make me think of tomorrow and next week. You make me dream of next month and next year. But it hurts. It hurts to dream a dream when I don’t believe it will ever come true. It hurts to desire so intensely, but not fathom I can ever possess. You give me life and I don’t know what to do with it. When you’re in my life, I trust and wish. I take risks and accomplish goals. You build me up in a way I’ve never experienced. You show me things I have never expected. You make me feel emotions I had no idea existed. When you’re here, I feel joy. It sounds great, but the sad part is that when you are not around I remember the downside to that joy. I remember that what goes up must come down. I remember that I can’t always be happy. I remember that there has to be darkness for the light to shine through. Without one, the other gets overlooked and unappreciated. I want you to be my joy. I want you to be my light and my life. I really do… but I am so terrified of the darkness that often I just choose not to live.

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New Window, Same Place

Have you seen a movie where something is weighing heavy on the actor/actress’s mind? He doesn’t know if he should marry the woman of his dreams. She don’t understand how someone she loves can hurt her so badly. A child is being taken away from the only home he has ever known. These people, of course not in all cases, but in most cases, always seem to have a window nearby to look out of for dramatic effect. This makes me think of my own life.

I have so many memories of gazing out of a window or standing on the balcony or patio to think about life and choices that need to be made. Somehow, looking out of the window, even when staring at the business of a city or just the other half of an apartment building seems to help me lose my place in that present moment to a mindset where I can reflect and contemplate. But my question (to myself really) is why do I have so many memories of doing the same thing? Does looking out of a window reflect me at my deepest level of contemplation?

I do not know if it is truly my deepest level, but I do believe that this scenario represents something powerful and fulfilling for me. I am the person in the movies. I need that moment for clarity. Though at the present I am afraid that I am looking out of a new window, but finding myself in the same place. Should I gaze farther? Longer? Not at all? I think gazing out of the window I find my truest answer, but when I reawaken from this state of reflection I make choices that do not align with my deeper self. Now I am left in this same place gazing out of a new window. So to better myself and my life, I know that I must allow my conscious self to grow and make wiser choices. The question now is, am I brave enough?

Today

Today I am happy.

I don’t know how that sentence resonates with you. Maybe you’ve been happy for awhile now and you want to welcome me to “the other side.” Maybe you have been unhappy for awhile and you want to know how to get there. Maybe you don’t know how you feel and you want to know if what you are feeling is happiness. And of course, it could be none of those options…

I have been all of those people, but for the longest I have been that last one. There are moments when I feel happy and moments when I question whether or not I can make it through the rest of the day. Some days I want to go to bed by 5, so that I can restart the clock and have another chance at happiness. Then, by 6, I am wishing the day never ends. I think that’s normal, but for me it didn’t feel that way. I felt alone in my thoughts and feelings. I felt overwhelmed and abandoned… but not today.

Today I feel happy. Now, I am not looking for gold at the end of the rainbow or running down the street inviting everyone to join me for an impromptu dance session, but what I feel in my heart is peace. My mind is at ease. I long for next day all while enjoying the present and “smelling the roses.” I have so much to look forward to and so much to appreciate at this very moment. My life is fulfilling. I am satisfying life and life is providing me with a breathtaking sense of satisfaction. I want to live in this moment forever. I know I can’t carry this moment forever, but I can bask in it, repeatedly whispering my best friend’s advice, “Just remember the feeling and how you got there.”

 

No one

I am the wife of a Navy Sailor. I am the mother of two children. My daughter is seven and my son is eight. He has autism. I am the daughter of a mother in Stage 4 renal failure and a father that walked out of my life when I was in grade school. I am a sister to three brothers and one sister. Two of my brothers are in the prison system, and the other one I do not have a relationship strong enough to warrant calls or texts other than on national holidays. My sister and I have not communicated for years after an argument I still don’t understand. I am the aunt of many nieces and nephews, but three I have a bond close enough to talk with regularly. Mostly because they live in my mom’s home. I am a teacher of third and fourth graders. I am the coworker of a few and a friend to even fewer. I speak with about five people regularly, and two of those are my kids. I am a member of a church, attending Sunday small group and service. I am a chaperone, sounding board, chauffeur, advisor, helper, lover, and so many, many other things. But what I really want to be sometimes…?

No one.

I want some time with no responsibilities. No stress. I don’t want to hold someone else’s life or future in my hands. I don’t want to listen, or pretend to listen. I want to be alone without the feeling of loneliness. I want to know that the people I love are there for me, but also understand that I just need some time to myself. I don’t want to feel bad for taking care of myself or putting myself first for a change. I don’t want to ensure you have everything you need and are where you need to be when you need to be there. I want to forget to do something and not be the direct result of someone’s world falling apart. I do not want the weight of the world on my shoulders.

I want to be free.

I want to be no one.

Just for a moment…

Gone

There it goes… just out of reach once again. Once again, she had all she needed. She had full control. There was nothing anyone could say or do to knock her off her game… or so she thought.

She didn’t realize how fluid the motions had become. She didn’t care to acknowledge how effortless everything seemed. She got comfortable. While there is nothing wrong with comfort, there comes a point where comfort becomes complacency and that is the danger. She didn’t recognize the error in her ways because she didn’t even realize there was room for error.

Everything seemed amazingly good, so she didn’t notice when amazingly good became just good enough. She thought she had control and by the time she realized she had dropped the ball it was too late. The ball. The game. The opportunity… was gone.

Find the Time or Make the Time

Short and sweet…..

In life we either find the time or make the time. You may have to move something around to find the time to do the things you want. Evaluate your day and you may see 2 minutes here or 5 minutes there where you aren’t really doing something worthwhile. Then sometimes you have to realize that everything you are devoting your time and energy to is not worth it. You’re devoting 30 minutes of your life doing something that isn’t beneficial to you in no way except as a time filler. That’s when you delete that activity out of your life and make time for something new. Make the time or find the time for something bigger and better and you’ll thank yourself for it in the future.

You (Him)

He will never be you. Nor will he, he, or him. No one can match your presence. No one fills my heart with pure love, joy, and ecstasy like you do. There is not another soul that mine yearns for quite like mine does for yours. You are what I dream for. Your love is what I need. Your body, mind, and soul are my deepest, darkest desires. Fill my lungs with your breath of life.

Life full of laughter, pride, peace, and all that I could ever embrace in its truest form. Allow me to cry tears of joy and anguish in the pain of side-hurting laughter that just lasts for days and days. You please me in ways I never knew I needed to be pleased. You make me feel emotions I never thought I would want to feel. There are ways to experience life, but you…

You take my experiences to another dimension. A level that can only be seen from satellite footage at NASA’s Headquarters. To call you my moon is not nearly enough because you shine brighter than any star I have ever seen. Your effect on my world is more impactful than the Big Bang Theory. You don’t just give me life. You are my life. You are the first thought when I awake in the morning. You are the constant flow of oxygen through my bloodstream. You are that book I cannot put down at the end of the day or that show I am binge watching on Netflix. Every chapter, every scene just leaves me hungry for more. Your love is more addictive than chocolate and the high I get from you elevates me higher than Mt. Everest. You flow through me deeper than the Grand Canyon and longer than the Nile. You aren’t my Kryptonite because you build me up and make me stronger than Superman could ever become.

What you give me leaves me begging for more, but I don’t even know what to ask for. More you? More me? More us? Just sign me up for a little more of everything because if you walk out of my life, I am sure even the Navy Seals could not find my soul to return to me once more.